The Rules of LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTON!!!
This parody is Rated R. Parental Discretion is advised………….
(Another hopelessly, lousy Space:1999 ep that can be revamped in one form only…a parody. We have put in in SCRIPT format, ready to be filmed!! OK...Maybe not. On to our story....This time, our heroes are Captain Alan Carter and Angelina Verdeschi. They have just landed on the planet LUUUUUUUUTON)
Carter: C'mon, Ang...we're all alone...let's shag in the meadow on the grass....we've never done it on grass....
Angelina: (looking around)...Oh, alright...
Carter: Oh, this grass is smooth. I'm taking you over the top, baby.
AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! <billions of blades of grass scream>
<Next, we hear a disembodied voice, coming from, impossibly, THREE TREES>
Citizens!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<Tree branches go up frantically.>
Carter: Eh, what the hell is that? Hey, does this mean I was good, 'Ang?
Murderers, killers, savages!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! <more screaming grass>
Carter: Hey, if you didn't want to do it, you should have told me. No need to call me names. You called me a savage, and that wasn't nice, cup cake.
Ang: Huh? <looks around confused>Nevermind....it was just the wind. Here...have a berry <feeds him a berry>
YOU HAVE BROKEN THE RULES OF LUUUUUUUUUUUton.
Carter: Luton, isn't that a bus station? Hey, your berries suck, 'Ang. What do you mean by the rules of Luton. I didn't know you were all kinky like that--I mean, not that I'm complaining.
YOU HAVE MURDERED OUR CITIZENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Angelina looks around…she gets up to dress…
Carter: Baby, you don't have to get dressed, do 'ya?
YOU WILL FACE THREE TESTS OF THE UTMOST CUNNING.
Carter: Tests? We're married. Wasn't that test enough? Hey, your voice sounds weird; strange; kind of unusual. I always get hungry after sex. Here, give me some more of those lousy berries--hey, why don't we feed them to each other. It's more exotic.
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<and the crabgrass just keeps crying in agony>
Carter: That's the most dramatic meal I've ever had. Ang, Who are those three blokes?
She shrugs.
Carter: Well, I think they're perverts. Better put my pants back on. <To Ang> Why don't you contact Alpha, and tell them we're taking a long lunch as soon as I settle with these guys.
Ang: They do look like a couple of pervs. <Ang looks at him doubtfully> Settle up? Do you think that's a good idea? Think you can take them?
Carter: P'tshaw.... Are you joking? <to Alien> Hey you, bird cage chest. Come here. I want a word with you, mate.
< Alien breaks off rock that's shaped as a club.>
Carter: Hmmmmmm. Ang, use your laser on that guy. I might kill him if I use my bare hands.
Ang:<laser burns her hand, she drops it> Ouch!!! Sorry ,Alan
Carter: I can shoot better than that.
Ang: Guess you're gonna have to kill him..
Carter: <rolls his eyes> Women.
Alien Strong: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Carter: Yeah, well I'm too kind hearted for that, so....I'll tell you what. You hold him off, and I'll go find help.
Ang: WHAT?!?!?!??! I don't think so, Mister Carter.<grabs him by the shoulder and yanks him back>
Carter: Maybe make a bolo, and bust his chops good with it. YOU HEAR THAT COBBER???
Alien: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
YES, WE HAVE GIVEN THEM POWERS TO MATCH YOUR OWN TO MAKE IT A FAIRER FIGHT. THE WINNER WILL GO FREE. THE LOSER WILL DIE.
Ang: This situation reminds me of a Star Trek episode once. Hmm...Do you think the producer is doing a...<she sneezes > RRRIPOFF!!!
Carter: Bless you. I can see he's strong. The closer he gets, the stronger he gets. Geez, what an odor.
Ang: It must have run out of Right Guard...C'mon, Alan, I don't see a store here, do you?
Carter: Well, maybe I'll just use the old commlock, and call the base. Carter to Moonbase Alpha.
<All he gets are reruns of "Eight Is Enough.">
Carter: Fiends!!! Ang, we can't contact the base. We're trapped. Only one thing we can do is………..Run like hell, baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ang: Great!!! So much for my honeymoon!!!!
Carter: Hey, I'm doing the best I can. Man, you've got big feet. I mean....Big, and sexy.I mean....
Ang: <indignantly> WHAT?!?!?!
Carter: My point is--look at the tracks you're leaving. Here, let's hide them.
Ang: <still ticked about the big feet comment, crossing her arms> Keep digging that hole, Carter..
<Carter splits his pants as he bends over.>
Carter: That's not good.
Alien Strong: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Ang: <still mad at Carter, ignoring approaching aliens> You'll be flying on manual for a LONG time....hmpf!!
Carter: <to Alien> I'll tell you what you can do with that stick, fur face. <to Ang> He has got one seriously bad, disposition. Have you noticed that?
Ang: <nods> Bad attitude...reminds me of my brother, rest in peace.
<All, including aliens bow their heads. Judges of Luton trees droop their branches>
Carter: Yeah, what you said.<pause> Feet, don't fail us now.
<They dash off but soon come to a body of water.>
Carter: I've got an idea, let's swim. I suggest it for two reasons.
Ang: Yeah?
Carter: One, it will put fur face off our scent.
Ang <nodding> That makes sense.
Carter: Two, it will give me a chance to see your tunic clinging to your chest. <eyes her breasts> Let's go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ang: I don't swim with my clothes on, Alan <she's starting to strip> slows me down...
Carter: Aye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aw, this water stinks. What is this crap????????
<Ang puts her clothes back on>
Carter: Awwwwwwwwww, c'mon 'Ang, it's not so bad.
Alien Strong: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Ang: I'm not swimming in stinky water...It smells like septic!!
Carter: We've got to. He'll mutilate us.
<Aliens approach. Ang does not budge.>
Carter: OK. Let's talk to him, first. Hey 'fella. We want to be friends.
<Alien Strong bonks Carter on the head with a rock.>
Carter: <seeing birds, stars.> That hurt.
Ang: I DON'T want to be friends with him, Alan
Carter: Hey, 'fella--you're a turkey, you know that???
Ang: He doesn't play very nice in the sandbox..
<Alien Strong bonks him with a bigger rock.>
Carter: Uh.... Let's swim--swim, for our lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ang: OK....OK!
Alien Strong: GRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Ang:<following Carter who dives in water> But it still smells like sewer.
Carter: Watch me dog paddle. I know, I already got some in me mouth.
Alan and Angelina reach the other side of the river.
Carter: Hey, fuzz face--we're on the other side of the river, you dumb shit.
Alien Strong : grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Angelina sees sign. It reads "Planet of Luton. Sewage Treatment Cesspool"
Ang: uh, Alan?!?! Look at that!! < points to sign>Oh SHIT!!!
Carter: Yeah, talk about shitty luck <to aliens on other side> Hey, bucko--now you have to swim after us, but you can't, can you. That's why you're sticking to the bank. Sissy, gonna walk around are you.
Carter: <bragging> 'Ang, you just have to know how to handle these guys.
Ang: <tapping her foot> Uh huh...I see you're handling them really well, honey...yep...
Carter: By my calculations, this is the part in the episode where I'll be violently attacked, and you'll be left to fend for both of us, sweetie. Think you can handle that?
Ang: But I can't transform into some weird creature, Alan....My name is not Maya
Carter: Well, we'll have to do it the old fashioned way. We'll survive by our wits.
Ang: OK...but Alan, that was year 1. We are doing an FF year 2 story. It is witless!
Carter: Oh I forgot. We'll do our best anyway. Just stick to me, cutie. Well, you have to leave so I can do fierce, unequal battle with alien invisible.
Ang: <hugs and clings to him like a dizzy cheerleader> Allaaaannnn, I love you but you really smell bad
Carter: Can't help it. No laundry around.
Ang: We need to take a shower together later and wash each other.... that is, if you can be the macho hero and save the damsel. That'd be me... with the big feet...
Carter: Sounds good to me (drools). No more of these berry fantasies, though. It's too much. Hey, where did our friends go. Probably circling around, I'll bet.
Ang and Alan watch the air in front of them distort.
Carter: Cheap, dime store shimmer.
<Alien invisible materializes.>
Carter: Ah, you scum. Ang, stand back. This will be ugly.
<Carter punches alien's chest, and breaks his knuckles.>
Ang: Are you OK, Alan?
<Alien picks Carter up, and spins him around and throws him against a tree.
Ang: <watching> Oh, I guess not...
Carter: You bet--I'm fit as a fiddle.
<Carter charges alien invisible to head butt him… Sound of iron being hammered…..Carter falls down….. Alien gives him the atomic drop… The suplex.>
<Ang must do something. She must act fast. Ang pulls off her tunic exposing her round, ample breasts>
Ang: <to alien>What do you think of these, my man?
Alien: Eh?????????????? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
<Alien steps on Carter's head to get to her..trips and falls backwards into cesspool and drowns….Dies an smelly death.>
Carter: 'Ang, we should try to save him… Oh <grabs his head> My head ..It sure does hurt.
Ang: NO way....I'm not gonna save it
Carter: That's not nice. <sways> Hey, now...get something. Build a futon, and carry me. <Knot rises on his head like a mountain.>
<Ang dashes to Carter and cradles him against her bare chest.>
Ang: <in high pitch whiney female voice> Oh ALLLLLLLAAAAAAANNN..Sweetie, are you OK? <burying his face in her breasts..>
Carter: I'm smothering.... Ugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh… Heaven... Ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Hey....Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. <Carter comes up for air.> 'Ang. You would have made a good doctor. Now all we have to do, is heal this terrible looking injury that will probably incapacitate me for the rest of the show. But first……. We hide, and make whoopy.
Alien: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Carter: I hear you, you impatient, rude, nasty bastard.
Alien: GGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrraaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.
Carter: Oh, I'm getting dizzy. Losing a lot of blood, really. Listen, there are some supplies we're going to need. Are you ready for the list?
Ang: OK..let me get my pen
Carter: First, find a bottle of vermouth.
Ang: Will vodka do?
Carter: If you have no other choice (panting from pain). Next--I need olives. One should do. And a toothpick.
Ang: OK....what else? <looks like she is writing a novel> slow down please
Carter: Now be careful, because I also need one of those crystal goblets. Oh, and a shaker, 'Ang, don't forget a shaker. I don't want it stirred.
Ang: Shaken not stirred?
Carter: Yeah, I like my drinks the way I like my sex. <winks at her>
Carter: Hurry, because I'm feeling faint. Don't stay in one place for too long. I'll mull around here while you're gone (finds a movie on his commlock to watch).
Ang: Don't worry...I'll fly...
Carter: Fly? How?
Ang: Oh, guess not. I forgot. I'm not some weird alien that can turn into other things and completely evade the physics of the Conservation of Matter.
Carter: If he gets a hold of you--you'll fly. That's for sure.
Ang: Right...
Carter: Oh, and 'Ang, bring me a bagel while your at it.
Ang: with cream cheese?
Carter: Yeah, and raisons. God, time is slipping away. In the mean time, I'll subsist on these lousy berries <eats a hand full>.
Ang: hmm...maybe I should put my shirt back on before I go..this is suppose to be PG, you know...
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Carter: Says who? Hey, whatever is that noise.
Ang: uh, Alan, I don't think it is a good idea to eat those...
BUTCHERS!!! YOU SHALL PAY FOR THAT.
Carter: Hey, look at this funny picture show on me commlock. Ugly trees.
Ang: They're tall ones...hey, night will be falling soon..maybe I can chop one down for firewood?
IMBECILES, THIS IS THE JUDGES OF LUUUUUUUUUUUUTON, AGAIN. RETURNING TO TELL YOU TO STOP WASTING PRECIOUS TIME.
Ang: These guys are voyeurs, Alan
Carter: He's right, 'Ang, make that a double for me.
Ang: I will not perform for a couple of old trees ...
Carter: Nor will I, sweetie. DO YOU HEAR THAT, JUDGES? YOU'LL GET NO SUCH SATISFACTION FROM US.
In the mean time, on Moonbase Alpha.........................
Koenig: Helena, that lip gloss is sooooooooooooo sexy.
Morrow: Commander, still no word from Carter, and Angelina.
Koenig: Carter? Who's Carter? <leering at Helena> You're luscious; we should meet off-duty.
Morrow: Commander?
Koenig: Yes, Paul.
Morrow: Shouldn't we try to get a visual fix on them.
Koenig: Why? <Koenig's got a visual fix ..on Helena>
Morrow: Well, because.
<Helena starts groping Koenig>
Helena: Oh, JOHN!!!
Koenig:AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh...ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Yes, Helena. Yes. Yes. Yesssssssss.
Russell: I love these uniforms... with no jackets to cover up...
Koenig: You look so sexy in that tunic, Dr. Russell.
Bergman: John, we should check things out
Koenig: This is none of your business Victor
Russell: Oh, he's checking things out alright, Victor...
<Paul turns the cameras on… And someone throws a hat from the planet, and covers it up. Paul amourously eyes Sandra...>
Morrow: Sandra. Maybe we're at the point in our relationship where we should just--you know...do it.
Sandra: Do what? Paul? <panting>
Koenig: (VO) Helena, will you know...do the thing down there. I promise I'll still respect you.
<Paul takes Sandra's hand.>
Morrow: This. Hold hands. Isn't it exciting.
Sandra: Oh yes, PAUL!!!!
Morrow: I've always wanted to hold your hand, but I've always put it out of my mind. But now, maybe we can do the unmentionable.
Sandra: Yes, we cannot allow ourselves to think such thoughts up here..
Morrow: And I can whisper in your ear.... And tell you....How fond, I am of you, in a professional sort of a way. You're an excellent data analyst.
Tanya: Paul..It's time to share da musik...
Victor: Well, we've lost the planet.
Morrow: Music? Oh I'll get my guitar. Sandra, would you like to join us.
Sandra: I love music Paul… sure....
Victor: Hey John, about that planet....
<Helena looks up from under the desk>
Koenig: Yes Victor.<smiling>
Victor: Ugggggggggggghhhh, never mind, I suppose.It'll all work out (scratching his head).
Back on Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuton....
Carter: 'Ang, tell me about your family.< Drunk, on his second Martini.>
Ang: <mixing another Martini>You know about my family, Alan...why are you asking me that?
Carter: I mean, they weren't weird, or any thing? No inbreeding, that sort of thing.
Ang: Are you referring to Antonio?
Carter: Well--yes, actually I was. I hated that prick; I'm glad he's dead; I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
Ang: ALAN!!!
Alien: <in the distance> Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Ang: Well, I didn't like him much either...
Carter: Did you like any one in your family?
Ang: Guido....
Carter: I know I sure didn't (belches). Guido--sounds like pasta sauce. (belches)
Ang: Momma...Poppa...and there was Uncle Paulo in the town of Rayovac. He was over 40 years older than me
Carter: Oh yeah, I hear they marry young there. Easy to become some one's brother-in-law there.
Ang: and he told me he wanted to love me in a special way...
Carter: Did he?
Ang: no....
Carter: Too bad....
Ang: He preferred Antonio
Alien: <still distant but closer> Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Carter: Really? Hmmm.
Ang: What about your family?.. even though I already know this...
Carter: I didn't have any one. I had me a wife.
Ang: WHAT?!?!?!?!?
Carter: No, no, no--you don't know this (belch). That's right, toots, I had me a wife.
< Violin music starts....>
Carter: It was a long time ago, just before the war. We met, and one thing led to another, and me wife, and I we're married. We fell in love. I loved me wife, and she loved me.
Ang: You married then fell in love?!?!?
Carter: Sure, isn't that how everyone does it???
Ang: uh, usually falling in love comes first...
Carter: (continuing) That was a bad war, but me wife was brave.
Ang: HOW brave was she?!?!
Carter: It was the war to end all wars. Afterwards, we immediately had another one. By then, it was too late for me wife.
Ang: Alan...I was there...
Carter: Did you ever meet me wife? I didn't know that.
Ang: I'm from Earth too... remember? I am not an alien like in the other version of this episode
Carter: Me wife was a wonderful person. (belches)
Ang: What was your wife like?
Carter: Any more Martini's? She was a lot like....Tanya Alexander. (belches)
Alien: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Ang: WELLLL!
Carter: Hey, we'd better go. He's getting a tad bit close. Might have to hurt him.
Ang: I was about to give you a blow job for sharing your secrets with me...not NOW pal...
Carter: 'Ang, now wait. Be fair about this. She and I have been divorced since before breakaway.
Ang: Sorry charlie...<turns her back on him>
Carter: I can't help it if she refused to change jobs.
Alien: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. <about 5 feet away>
Carter: Hey, shut up, you looney.
Alien: grrrrrrrr
Carter: <to Ang> I'm serious--I mean, I didn't know you were so possessive.
Ang: Tanya Alexander...hhmmmpff ….You didn't tell me you were ever married to Tanya!!!
Carter: She's no good. Not compared to you. Would she have any thing to do with Morrow, if she was? Sharing the music with him when we went through the black sun? C'mon. She took me for all I was worth.
<Alien stands there puzzled...Starts to shed tears as soap opera unfolds>
Carter: Yeah, so now the truth--at last, the truth.
Ang: So...So...all along...you've lied to me!!! How can I go on?!?!
< Alien Strong sits down to wait it out.>
Carter: No, not lied. Not exactly.
<Alien Strong shrugs his shoulders, shakes his head at Carter>
Carter: We can work it out. Paul McCartney says so.
Ang: He lied to me didn't he!!!
<Alien Strong nods and cries>
Carter: What does he know. 'Ang, be reasonable.
Ang: You don't really love me!!!!!!!
<Alien Strong checks his watch.>
Ang: You've just been using me for hot sex...
<Alien Strong grins. Carter holds her.>
Carter: Sure I do, and the proof of my love is our son. <Timely pause>
Ang: < looks up> Really? <sniff>
Carter: Really. True, I had no idea he was coming, and we took precautions, but hey, you're both o'kay by me. Besides, your one to talk. <organ music> What about old Bob Mathias?
Ang: Bub?
Alien Strong: Uh, excuse me.
Carter: Yeah, Bub. Don't play innocent about it.
Ang: He and I are just friends...
Carter: Right, just friends. Almost every episode you're in Medical Center. What kind of dummy do you think I am.
Ang: You are not a dummy...Bub and I are not having sex...Bub uses Yasko for sex...
Alien Strong: Uh--excuse me.
Carter: Yeah right .And you, too, I don't doubt. My heart is broken.
Alien Strong: I'm sorry, but....
Ang: I don't love Bub like I love you...
Alien Strong: You know, time is a factor here--commercials, and all that have to be built in.
Carter: Really?
Ang: REALLY!!!
Carter: I- I wanted to let you know that ….Psychon is my favorite planet.
Ang: HUH? What's a Psychon?
Carter: Ang, I love you!!!! <They embrace and kiss passionately and sloppily. Organ music comes to a crescendo>
Ang: I love you, baby!!!
Alien Strong: That's nice, but I really should start trying to kill you. This show has lousy ratings you know.
Carter: Hey, strong boy, put her there. < Alan and Alien Strong shake hands.>
Alien Strong: You know, the sponsors will have a fit about this.
Ang: But this is such a touching, more human scene. We are more feeling this year. Strong…….group hug!!!!
<Strong joins the embrace….blushes>
Ang: Yes, we all love each other...we all get along!! It's like summer camp!! It's like.......Lost in Space!!!!!
Alien Strong: Still, you've got lousy ratings, and most stations won't carry this show. We need some graphic violence. You can kiss each other again though before I attempt to kill you.
<Alien Strong waits.>
<Carter throws dirt in his face.>
Alien Strong:Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Carter: 'Ang, let's go baby. He's ticked now.
***********************
Our heroes ascend up the hill, having their mettle tested to its limits.
Carter: 'Ang, I see you're tired, sweet pea, so you know what I'll do?
Ang: What's that?
Carter: You can carry me the rest of the way--which will help you take your mind off yourself.
Alien: GGRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Ang: Uh, I don't think so...
Carter: Oh 'gee, look at that mysterious stick protruding from the ground. Notice how it just stands, as if an invisible hand is holding it up.
Ang: The invisible man?
Carter: Could that be the second power the Judges of Luton gave them? <pause> Nah.
Ang: Hey! Turn your head....
Carter: Why?
Ang: Now, look! It just moved...
Carter: Where??? Don't be silly. It's just a stick that happens to be standing on it's own. Get a grip.
Ang: Yeah, but it moved... it was there..<pointing> ….now it is there...
Carter: Sure, baby. Let's start walking.
Ang: I'm not some dumb Year 2 broad you know!!!!
Our heroes continue their ordeal, uphill.
Carter: You know something that bothers me?
Ang: Now what?
Carter: That bird cage that bloke had on his chest. What might he use that for?
Ang: I don't know...what?
Carter: Is it possible he's using it to fashion some fiendish contraption to use against us?
Ang: You've had way too many Martini's, sweetie.
Meanwhile on the other side of the hill.... Alien strong removes the wire mesh from his chest, and grins sadistically. He wraps it around, forming a perfect round cage. And then..…..He kisses his favorite pet chicken, and puts it in it. He throws it corn here and there.
Carter: 'Ang, that stick is not moving. It's standing on it's own. There's a difference.
Ang: What do you know? You're drunk and you have a head injury...
Carter: I'll tell 'ya. I'm in a real bad way. Find some more firewood, and I'll contemplate my bolo wrap. I've never used one, but some how, I know I'll be an expert at it.
Ang: Hey....want me to chop down one of those 3 tall trees?
Carter: Yeah, sounds good.
Alien invisible starts up the hill.
Carter: Let's get rid of some of these rocks too. Sweet pea, want to do me a favor?
Ang: Now what?....STOP calling me Sweet pea!!!
Carter: Kind of turn your head while I take a whizz.
Ang: Why? I've seen it before...
Carter: I'm just sensitive. You know--it's a guy thing.
Carter walks to the edge of the cliff.
Carter: Hey, that stick, it's floating up the hill now. Bet I can hit it? I used to be the champ at this. Look at the range I got on that--all over. Yes.
Alien Invisible: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Carter: Oooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Better. Better. Hey, what happened to the stick?
They look over the edge to the bottom of the hill. Alien invisible is lying dead in an enigmatic puddle, his hands clutching his throat.
Carter: I wonder how he died. Maybe it was fear. Of me, I mean.
Ang: He looks pissed off...
Carter: Yeah, he does. Well, or at least he did. 'Ang, guess what I see.
Ang: What now?
Carter: Oh, you're with a genius, cupcake.
Alien strong is making googol eyes at his chicken, and....Carter runs by, grabs the cage up, and runs--feathers flying every where.
Carter: Fried chicken, that's what we'll eat.
Alien Strong: Grrrrrrrrrrrrahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ang: Just like the Colonel?!?!
Carter: You bet, get that skillet ready. I'll wring its neck.
Chicken:BOKKKKKBOOOOKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKK
The chicken squawks, and more feathers fly out of the cage.
Carter: Sorry, mate. It's a matter of life, and death. Hmmm. Where have I heard that before?
Ang: That does sound familiar...
Carter: Ah well, bring on the barbecue sauce.
Ang: Original recipe or extra crispy, dear?
Carter: Extra crispy….With mashed potatoes, coleslaw, and a biscuit.
They return to their camp, and while Carter makes a weapon, an alternate universe converges with them. Carter #2 appears, older, and bearded.
Carter #2: Hey.
Carter: Hey.
Carter #2: I'm from the Duracell Dimension.
Carter: Really? 'Ang, get a load of this.
Ang: Two Alans?!?!?!?
A ten-year-old girl with pig tails steps beside Carter #2.
Carter: Ain't she cute.
Carter #2: I always thought so. Be careful. I'm not wearing shoes. Oh, that chicken smells good.
Ang: Is that your daughter?
Carter #2: No, she's not my daughter. Can I have a piece of that. Break it up for me because I don't have many teeth left.
Carter: Handle your own chicken.
Carter #2: I don't like your attitude, but you are a handsome 'fella.
Carter: My feelings exactly.
Ang: Well, Duracell Alan, who is she? your granddaughter?
Carter#2: No, she's not my granddaughter. She's my wife.
Ang: WIFE?!?!? You pedophile!!!! You child molesting pervert!!!
Carter #2: Yeah, she's my wife. Who did you think she was? Why do you say that?
Ang: What, you must be at least 45 years older than she is... Dirty old man!!!
Carter: How could you marry a ten-year-old girl. That's blooming sick.
Carter #2: Because...she's attractive.
Carter: Little girl, shame on you for letting him do this.
Little Girl: Don't you talk to me like that, you doofus. My daddy is Commander John Koenig. <steps up and kicks Carter in the shin>
Carter looks at 'Ang.
Carter: Baby, this is deep.
Ang: This is sick...
Alien: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Carter #2: That chicken looks great. How about a plate?
Suddenly, Space Warp like effect comes and begins to scoop up Carter #2 and his little underage wife...
Ang: Take your chicken and get lost!!! Alan, that was really weird.....
Carter #2 Pulls out his acoustical guitar, and plays "Rocky Top," all the way back to the Duracell Dimension.
Carter: I'm glad he's gone (hugging Angelina); that means we have more chicken between the two of us.
Ang: <still disturbed by the bizarre alternate universe> It would be like Helena marrying our baby son one-day...
Carter: They might hit it off. It's possible.
Ang: Then Helena would be our daughter in law.. but she's older than us <Angelina crosses her eyes>
Carter: Well, daughter-in-law is better than a few of the other names I've heard her called. Where are the forks? I need some salt.
Ang: Sorry no forks...Alan, Salt is not good for your blood pressure. Try some Mrs. Dash
Alien : GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
Ang: Hey....maybe he's mad we didn't invite him to join us...
Carter: Heh--we're out of here. Time to leave--leave now, we'd better go, better not stay, time to beat it Angie.
They run up hill, Carter's pants constantly falling around his legs because he had to use his belt for his weapon.
Carter: The air sure is cold on this planet. Here, I'll take some of these leaves, and make myself some fig underwear.
Ang: We don't have time for that!!!
Figs:!!!!!!!!!!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ang: uh oh...
Carter: Right, it's time to make my stand.
Alien: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Alien Strong approaches, and is he hacked……Carrying his big stick.
Carter: A rock, find a rock.
Ang: Now we've killed 2 so he's the only one left, right?
Carter: You bet. I KO'd the others. Time to find a rock. Oh, it's already in my hand.
Ang: Shall I distract him with my bare breasts again?
Carter: He didn't seem much impressed by that. Think of something else.
Ang: <indignant> WHAT?!?!? It worked on the other guy...
Carter: Save that move for later..<eyes her> Look out, 'Ang. It's pay back time.
Carter places the rock in the bolo sack….. Swings it around in the air. WHOOP!!!WHOOP!!!WHOOP!!!
Carter: I am going to score today.
Ang: You already have, baby….<bats eyelashes>
Carter winks at Angelina. !!!WHOOP!!!WHOOP!!!WHOOP!!!…And wraps it around his own skull cracking himself between the eyes.
Carter: Oyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ang: AALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alien Strong looks back, and forth--totally amazed….
Carter: That stuff hurts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate it when I do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ang: You mean you've done this before? Oh boy....I hope our son's intellect leans toward mine...
Carter: Hey, are you good at every thing you've ever tried???
Ang: well.....actually....
Carter: Hey, why is he not moving??? He's just laying there.
Ang: What did you do to him?
Alien Strong lays on the ground--dead of embarrassment.
Carter: No, almost dead--his breathing is shallow, but visible.
Ang: Do you think he is dying of boredom?
Judges of LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTON: FINISH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Carter: No, no I'm not going to kill him.
Ang: What?!?! Why the hell not?!?! What are you crazy?!?!?
JUDGES OF LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTON: You must!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Those are the rules of luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuton!!!!!!
Carter takes Angelina by the shoulder, stepping over Strong's comatose form.
Carter: Angelina, you know, when I was a wee bit, I used to see this poor, old guy sitting in the barn every day.
JUDGES OF LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTON: !!!!!!!KILL HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ang: And?
Carter: He never had any thing. He used to just pick rotten eggshells off the ground, and mix them with sour milk, and that was his supper.
JUDGES OF LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTON: !!!FINISH HIM!!! YOU HAVE WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ang: Are you trying to cause me to die from boredom too Alan? Don't you love me?
Carter: Let me share this with you. The old guy. He used to pass gas just to make us kids sick.. He didn't have no outhouse even.I always wondered--how would I feel if there was no outhouse for me.
Ang: You mean he did have an outhouse. You just used a double negative...so he did have an outhouse..
Carter: No out house--just the cold hard ground. 'Ang, promise me that our son will always have an outhouse.
Ang: How about indoor plumbing?
JUDGES OF LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTON: !!!YOU ARE MORONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The grass and trees begin to stir with rebellion.
THE JUDGES OF LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTON: !!!CITIZENS!!!
Ang: <to the judges> SHUT UP!! Hey, ever heard of Dutch Elm Disease?!?
Carter: Yeah, they got no outhouses with you either, do they!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not even a lousy corncob, what do you say to that Judges of LUUUUUUUUUUTON!!!!!!!
Ang: NO toilets for your citizens?!?
The Judges raise their branches. Underneath are fruit of the loom underwear.
Ang: Citizens,,,,,they have embezzled your outhouse funds!!!
JUDGES OF LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTON: !!!PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NO WE HAVE NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE ARE PLENTY OF PLACES TO DO YOUR BUSINESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO!!!!!!!!!!!! BOTH OF YOU LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ang: They have embezzled, I tell you!!!!!Look!!! Look at their Fruit of the Looms!!!! With colors!!!!
The planet suddenly reappears in front of Victor Bergman. He crashes his Eagle like Wylie Coyote going over a cliff. KA-POW!!! Then a puff of smoke.
JUDGES OF LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTON: !!!!!!!NO, WE HAVE NOT USED YOU FOR UNDERWEAR DYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE HAVE NOT SMOKED YOU, EITHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The planet is in total anarchy, as 'Ang, and Alan return victoriously to Moonbase Alpha.
<Warning..Here comes a corny s2 end scene that has nothing to do with the story>
Violins start in Main Mission……The Moonlight Sonata.
Carter: Whew, , 'Ang, we made it back. We are still alive. You are alive, and I am alive. We are all alive.
Angelina is hanging onto Alan, groping him...looking at him with doe eyes.
Commander Koenig (smiling like Donny Osmond): Congratulations, Carter, 'Ang. You saved us all.
Carter: But baby, I must admit--I felt a little inferior by how you were undressing those judges with your eyes. Ha-ha-ha. <winks at Ang>
Ang: You're not inferior, Alan. You're performance is very superior. <licks her lips lasciviously>
Helena Russell saunters over to Koenig, and bats her eyes.
HELENA: Would you prefer me in Fruit of the Looms?
Sandra goes over to Paul...She sits on his lap then gives him tongue.
KOENIG: No, I'd prefer you out of Fruit of the Looms.
Carter hee-haws.
Freeze-Frame....
A FRED FRIEDBURGER PRODUCTION
THE END